Alizarin: I’m at sIV, if you want to come you can Alizarin: I should warn you though, I can’t experience positive feelings Alizarin: and I’m really tired and it’s hard to do anything and Alizarin: I have a compulsion to hurt myself Alizarin: If you don’t want to see me like this I get it
[ When Doctor arrives, probably Venti will have to lead him to where Aliza is, in the nap room… just laying there, barely moving. When Doctor enters she glances up, but doesn’t stir more than that. Texting drained most of her energy… stupid nihilism weapon. ]
[ Normally she would be appreciative of his kindness, that he came at all, but she can’t feel any of that. Instead she starts crying — shedding tears, more like, she can’t muster the energy to really cry. It’s the only way she can express any feeling at all. ]
It was a unit game where we had to share memories and feelings again… but I tried, I really tried. I got so many terrible memories, but I kept hammering at those weapons because I wanted to show them I was with them. And it didn’t matter. I feel like nothing matters and I hate it.
You did your best. Sometimes we do our best and we still lose. But it matters that you tried, that you didn't simply accept whatever punishment the producers saw fit to assign.
I still can’t connect to them. Maybe my past is too awful, or I’m not strong enough to deal with it the right way. Maybe after what I’ve done I deserve to feel alone.
[ Inspiring, isn’t it? Don’t get defeated by a weapon made of hope and nothingness, it turns you into a mess. ]
[ But for how long? a treacherous voice in her head whispers. She tells it to shut up. ]
I think that when I can feel good things, I'll be happy you came. Right now I'm really ashamed that I can't pull myself together a little better, like if I just tried harder I could do it. I think it's maybe not my fault, even though right now everything feels like my fault.
I might do or say something awful, and you'll have to watch it. Then you won't ever see me the same way again, probably. [ She can't extrapolate others' feelings anymore than she can her own, except for worse case scenarios. ]
[ She looks up at him with dull horror, then burrows against his shoulder. ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this.
[ She bites back on the torrent of awful things she wants to add, because even she knows it won't help a thing. But it hurts, having all this in her head unchallenged, without the sparks of joy she typically gets from being with other people. ]
[ Hmm what's a less upsetting way of saying 'I don't deserve you'? ] Usually I feel very lucky when you're there for me. I think that's what I'd feel now, if I could.
I'll... try to make it up to you sometime. [ more really hopeless qualifying thoughts here ]
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Alizarin: I’m okay right now, Venti and Lupine are watching me, but some of the effects are
Alizarin: pretty bad
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Alizarin: I should warn you though, I can’t experience positive feelings
Alizarin: and I’m really tired and it’s hard to do anything and
Alizarin: I have a compulsion to hurt myself
Alizarin: If you don’t want to see me like this I get it
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Dr. Doctor: 'Tis at times like this when I especially want to be there for you.
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Alizarin: I’m sure if I could feel happiness I would be glad to see you
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I'm sorry you're going through this, Aliza.
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I’m sorry you have to watch it happen. There are worse game effects, but right now I really don’t like these.
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[If anyone tries to tell her it isn't so bad, Doctor will fight them. Or scold them severely, at least.]
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It was a unit game where we had to share memories and feelings again… but I tried, I really tried. I got so many terrible memories, but I kept hammering at those weapons because I wanted to show them I was with them. And it didn’t matter. I feel like nothing matters and I hate it.
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[ Inspiring, isn’t it? Don’t get defeated by a weapon made of hope and nothingness, it turns you into a mess. ]
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[Like, Doodleman threatened to murder him for calling him a tsundere.]
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There's nothing I can do about it, I guess. I just wish it were different. I couldn't even trust that they'd keep me safe if I went home right now.
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I think that when I can feel good things, I'll be happy you came. Right now I'm really ashamed that I can't pull myself together a little better, like if I just tried harder I could do it. I think it's maybe not my fault, even though right now everything feels like my fault.
But... I do miss you when you're gone.
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[It would be like blaming the people at Last Supper for trying to eat their loved ones.]
If my presence will spare you the ache of missing me, then that's good enough for me. I'm here.
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[That's all he wants to say about that right now. More than he wants to say, really.]
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[ She bites back on the torrent of awful things she wants to add, because even she knows it won't help a thing. But it hurts, having all this in her head unchallenged, without the sparks of joy she typically gets from being with other people. ]
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I'll... try to make it up to you sometime. [ more really hopeless qualifying thoughts here ]
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